Hedgehog

On The Death Of A Cat

I had to put my poor little creature to sleep last week. Hard to believe I wrote the first post about Isabel (Bizzy) getting sick on 12/28, although she'd been sick for about two weeks prior to that. Despite antibiotic therapies and drops for her eye where the third eyelid was encroaching, she didn't get better. She was still grooming herself, still enjoying going out. But was getting more and more tired. The lymph nodes in her neck seemed to be growing hourly. She was scheduled for a biopsy last week but I didn't think she'd last the 10-14 days for the pathologist's report to come back.

That morning I talked to the vet before the surgery, asking if there was anything we could do surgically to help her before we got the report. There really wasn't, and he outlined what chemotherapy would be like, 2 days a week at the vet's for 16 weeks. I didn't think I could do that to Bizzy. She'd been my companion for 12 years, through my divorce, through some other bad times. We were in a good place in a new home. She was happier than I'd ever known her to be. So I told the vet I'd be in at noon to put her to sleep.

I spent some time with her in the room, looking out the window. I'd have taken her outside with me, but it was raining. She was still interested in everything going on. She wasn't suffering yet. Getting to the vet's office had been horrific, crying and crying and trying to get control of it so I didn't upset Bizzy. I was listening to a public radio station who, at that moment, played a Tom Waits cover of Jersey Girl. For some reason, it helped.

As painful as the realization was that I was going to lose Bizzy, when the actual moment came, I was really at peace with it. It was so fast and so gentle. Like a light going out. She was there, and then she wasn't. And I was glad I was there with her.

I miss her so much. I talk to her at home the same as ever. She generally ignored me a lot, so I can pretend she's there somewhere. I never did such a silly thing before, talking to a dead person or animal.

You know this day will come; it has too, either sooner or later. My other cat, Julius, died at only 3 years old, curiously enough also of a lymphoma, just 8 months before Bizzy. Why would 2 unrelated animals die of the same thing like that? I asked the vet, but he didn't know. Maybe something environmental from our last home.

I guess it doesn't matter. She's gone. I don't cry nearly as much as I did before she died. I know I did the right thing for her; she deserved to go as gently as possible; I hadn't had that chance with Julius; he died in the car on the way to the emergency room.

I know in the grand scheme of things, the death of a cat is a trivial event. But I'll miss her for a long time.

posted by Isabelle Mauvaise @ 8:56 AM